The Boogalations of Greg

The Boogalations of Greg is the second book chronologically in the Fresh Testament of the Tasty Bible, but the first to have been revealed to the Prophet Matthias in the neW agE. Thus contained is the story of the End of the Cycle.

Content
The Boogalations of Greg

1 1. In the beginning were oreos and ramen noodles, and the oreos and ramen noodles were with Greg, and the oreos and ramen noodles were Greg. 2. The same was in the beginning with Greg. 3. Some things were made by him, mostly in a shitty or haphazard fashion, and without Greg no shitty things were made. 4. In him was cholesterol, and the cholesterol clogged the arteries of all men. 5. And the cholesterol shineth most in oreos and ramen noodles, and those who committed larceny (imposing healthy eating habits upon the people) comprehended it not. 6. And there was a man sent from Greg, whose name was Matthias Reznov. 7. And he came to bear witness of the cholesterol, so that all men through him may die terribly at an early age. 8. Greg tasked Matthias with the putrid and unholy task of compiling his mad ramblings, and with the aid of the Jammonite prime minister Whatch ya'Doin, and the scribe Im Walkinhere, this was accomplished. 9. And of Greg's girth have we all been filled with abundant suffering. 10. This is the record of the First Boogaloo, as given through revelation to Matthias. 11. And now, if there are faults or inconsistencies, they be the mistakes of Matthias alone, who is prone to weekend benders. 12. For the book is brought to Matthias, but the rage and sorrow came by the AllFather.

2 1. After 2,601 cycles of creating the Seven Destitute Slums of Shizzle through the intergalactic Truffle Shuffle over and over, only for it all to be repeatedly blown to hell by the dread Frankinator, Greg got bored. 2. Though he wielded nigh-ultimate power, he had gotten himself into a bit of a pickle by choosing to keep time and space progressing in an infinite loop after a bad case of writer's block. 3. And while Greg enjoyed being able to raid and pillage at his perverse leisure, he began to wonder if the universe had yet more to offer than the inevitable Destruction of Everthing. 4. As he sat presiding over the first Terrible Tuesday at the once again newly-christened Slingbach Shrine, Greg decided that the time for change had finally arrived. 5. Scripture has recorded that the Backsmashers accidentally set fire to the Slingbach Shrine during its final construction, thus provoking Greg's wrath and the declaration of jihad. 6. In the present cycle, Greg chose to prevent this outcome by providing the Order of the Slender One with flame-retardant suits sewn from his own back hairs. 7. The Backsmashers thus rejoiced and Terrible Tuesday became a resounding success, with many babies eaten and beards unshaven. 8. Greg considered why he hadn't thought of this centuries before, then shrugged and went about his way. 9. He was overdue to explore the splendid marvels of his world, wishing to forget when those seven great eggs came rushing out of his ass. "Ow," Greg said, remembering. 10. The AllFather reasoned that by breaking the cycle he would be forever spared from the burden of creation, and could spend his time in blissful ignorance and consumption. 11. Smiling and patting his belly in pleasure at the idea, PadreDeTodos stood atop the shrine and thundered "BEGIN THE SACRIFICE." 12. The Jammonites brought forth a Beef Burgundy known as Patton, a warrior champion of their race, to face Greg in ritual combat. 13. Greg scowled in disappointment and asked "Who is this uncircumcised Philistine?" 14. And he did taketh up his awesome Trident and smote the Beef Burgundy with that giant rod, obliterating him to but atoms. 15. Satisfied, Greg pulled his pants up and assembled the Fopostles Matthias, Whatch ya'Doin, and Im Walkinhere to embark on his journey.

3 1. Now it came to pass that the Mighty Tater began to deliver his filthy worD unto the people, first in the land of Zimbabwe, and from thence throughout all of Shizzle. 2. And there they were Seven Lands: Zimbabwe, home of the Zimbabweans, One Foty-Fo Magnolia Screet, home of the Rackbars, Mt. Fuji, home of the Japanese, Troy, home of the Jammonites, 'Nam, the domain of evil, Britain and Ireland, home of the Irish, Scots, and British, and America, home of everyone else. 3. Greg and the Fopostles went into Zimbabwe and came upon a publican, an owner of a pub, named Isaac Clarke. 4. Clarke stated that he had been an engineer on the USG Ishimura before it had been overcome by a terrible force. 5. Seeking peace of mind, Clarke had returned to his homeland to begin bartending and drink away his pain. 6. In a rare show of sympathy, Greg said unto the Zimbabwean, "Get in the car, loser. We're going shopping." 7. And they drove in Greg’s ’89 Buick to the Zimbabwean province of Congo, where Greg turned water into Mountain Dew and bought his company the Complete Game of Thrones Blu-ray set, except for Season 8 which he threw in the rubbish. 8. While they wandered through the capital city, generally making a nuisance of themselves, Greg and the Fopostles were greeted by an emissary of the Congolese Queen, who gave his name as Mahbutu Charon. 9. The man Charon promised that he could "Show them de wey to de Queen," and so they followed him to the castle of Bukavu. 10. From her throne Queen Nina of the Congo greeted the motley crew with skepticism, believing them to be little more than vagabonds, though as her country had a history of aiding refugees she allowed them to stay as guests. 11. Greg took offense to being thought a refugee, but as Queen Nina showed him the beauty of the world from atop Castle Bukavu's balcony, he saw that his creation was a right and good and joyful thing, always and forever. 12. "I think I'll refrain from killing anyone today," Greg declared. 13. And Queen Nina taught Greg and the boys the mystic arts of De Wey before allowing them to crack upon a cold one and continue on their trek.

4 1. The Fopostles came next into Magnolia Screet, ancestral home of the Rackbars. 2. The locals climbed out of their homes in the bushes, took off their shirts, and sang "POI-SON EYE-VAAAAYAAAAAYAAAAAAY" by way of greeting. 3. The Rackbar shaman Willie James Huff, better known as Funky Chicken and Allah RACKBAR, came forth to bless Greg with the Holy Spirit by spitting in his face. 4. In return Greg preached a parable of the ramen. 5. "There was a man who forsook the sacred noodles to join the Church of Larceny and eat healthily. He took his father's inheritance to spend on the keto diet and lost incredible amounts of weight. 6. But though his body was well, his spirit was not. 7. He could not find happiness without filling his arteries with plaque and his stomach with tar. 8. Eventually he returned to his father in shame, asking for a big bowl of ramen. 9. His father still accepted him with love and brought him 12 packets. So too is the love of me." 10. And they fell down and worshiped him. 11. After dwelling therein a fortnite, Greg led the Fopostles, accompanied by the Rackbars Mason, who had long been held in captivity, and Kbai Kody, on to the promised land of America. 12. For America had a special place in the heart of Greg, as this egg was laid at the very place of his divine womb emancipation, at the beginning of known time. 13. On the way to America, the AllFather in his infinite wisdom renamed the Jammonite Whatch ya'Doin to Boone, and Im Walkinhere to Gates, for ease of spoken word. 14. And at some point Greg's car broke down beneath his bulk and that of the six Fopostles crammed within, to whom the Slender One shouted "Get out and push, you fucks!" 15. So the Fopostles pushed the '89 Buick the rest of the way while Greg took a nap on the hood. 16. When they arrived in America, they went to see President George, hoping to sway him to the way of Shwasleesnee. 17. But George's heart was hardened, and he would not accept Greg. 17. Leaving the Casa Blanca empty-handed, Greg returned to the Fopostles to find that God Himself was standing among them. 18. Together Greg and God Himself performed the Secret Handshake, before the latter reminded Greg that he could use the patented "Gets There Before He Goes Method 2.0" since he no longer had a mode of transport. 19. Agreeing, Greg scooped up all the Fopostles in his arms with a great bear hug and took them all to Ireland by getting there before he went.

5 1. Britain and Ireland were together formed from one egg that split in two as Greg laid it, and for this reason Greg favored one over the other. 2. His arch nemesis Isaac Newton hailed from the isle of Britain, and for generations thence would the Mighty Tater despise that place for it. 3. Ireland did not prove to be hospitable, however. Upon the arrival of the Fopostle posse they were beset by a band of brigands aiming to take their cookies and innocence. 4. Mason, Boone, and Gates the Grue guarded the great Gregor from the front, with Kbai Kody, Matthias, and Isaac Clarke taking defensive positions behind him. 5. As the vandals prepared to assail the group, however, their leader was struck down by a bullet to the brainpan. 6. "One shot, one kill," a woman's voice called from the distance. 7. All turned in the direction of the voice to find a massive 18-wheeler barreling down upon them. 8. In the driver's seat a scruffy Irish wizard peered over the wheel with a smile wider than Kat's ass on his face, while atop the cab a woman sat with a sniper rifle perched in the crook of her arm. 9. With the aid of the odd pair, Greg and the Fopostles bop-demolished the hapless fiends, with Isaac Clarke notably using a plasma cutter, and Gates, Mason, and the Irish wizard throwing an assortment of deadly Magic cards at them. 10. Once the dust had settled, the wizard introduced himself as Xavier, a nomad hailing from the province of AlwaysSpring Days, and the woman as Brooke, an exiled nymphomaniac from America who had become known as the Widowmaker for her wily ways. 11. Greg enticed them with promises of gratuitous sex and violence if they should wish to accompany him on the Fopostles' pilgrimage, and Xavier and the Widowmaker Brooke agreed.

6 1. The assembly rampaged throughout Ireland for nigh on a cycle, drinking much Guinness and whiskey and singing a jaunty tune wherever they went. 2. And at last Greg took them forth to Mt. Fuji, the land of eels and electronics. 3. There they encountered and partook in abundant perversion and played against the finest Overwatch teams in all the world. 4. Leaving a combination whorehouse/gaming tournament, the AllFather remarked to his followers, "I stink like unwashed genitalia. I'm easily the most disgusting thing in the whole world." 5. And it came to pass on the second day after the first, when they had scrubbed the impurities away, that they did meet a White Weaboo Warlock nameth of Chris the Champion. 6. This Champion was imbued with the power of memes, and belonged to the same secret society of Ingles as Gates the Grue. 7. Greg was pleased to have another person of size on board, and after extensive negotiations with the Warlock on the proper way to baste a turkey, he welcomed young Chris as his designated heir. 8. Knowing that their journey was nearing its end, PadreDeTodos chose not to lead his beloved flock into the mouth of darkness at 'Nam, and brought them all home with "Gets There Before He Goes" technology to the 1sland, near the region of Troy. 9. And it was there, wherein he partook of milk and honey and buffalo wings provided by the local Jammonites, that Greg did issue a decree that all the known world should be taxed of its wealth. 10. "Lo, I have come forward to make a new covenant with mine people. Give me 10% of your fried chicken, or I shall summon the unstoppable Colonel Sanders to wreak great havoc upon all the nations," Greg bellowed. 11. Further, the Order of the Slender One would get tax exemption status as a religious organization. 12. And so it was known. 13. But President George the American, with his teeth of cow and wood and his heart of a true patriot, found this taxation to be unacceptable. 14. And on the eve of the next cycle he assembled his men and ships and set sail for the 1sland under the cover of night. 15. When they arrived on its black shores, the Americans marched to Greg's palace and could hear his voice emanating through the cosmos as he told the Fopostles a story. 16. "And that's how I lost my arms, shall I tell you how I got them back?" Greg inquired with a merry gleam in his eye. 17. And the Fopostles looked to him with adoration.

7 1. Just then, George burst through the door carrying a musket with one hand and a print of the tax decree in the other. 2. "Just what is the meaning of this?" Greg asked, eyes narrowed and falling off his throne into a standing position. 3. George crumpled the paper, threw it into the air and blasted it with the musket. 4. Then George said, "Y'all can tax this dick," and started the First Boogaloo. 5. Pandemonium broke out in the pleasure palace as the Americans fired every manner of handheld weaponry, and some that weren't handheld, at those gathered in the holy court. 6. The Fopostles responded in kind, using their magicks and abilities learned from De Wey by the Queen of the Congo. 7. Gates used his 9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 terawatt Lazer Tazer to blast through the Yanks, while Boone and the Widowmaker Brooke sniped from behind the throne. 8. Mason and Matthias summoned the all-powerful Satchmo to use his infernal trumpet against the enemies' eardrums, with Xavier and Chris the Champion casting spells from the sacred sourcebooks of 5th Edition DnD. 9. And Greg and George did clash in single combat, with metal trident meeting musket, but George proved to be a great foe, secretly empowered by the Frankinator. 10. With much of the Slender One's court murdered and laying about the place, and more and more Americans pouring through the door like ants on a picnic, he knew that he'd been beat and laid his golden fiddle on the ground at George's feet. 11. In a moment of weakness, the once-Mighty Tater, Maxus Gregor, was laid low, and abandoned his flock at the 1sland by using the "Gets There Before He Goes 1.0" method with his own weight alone, to travel to a secluded moon located in the Cow's Udder. 12. In celebration, George and the Americans cast all the tea into the churning sea. 13. And with haste George set about installing democracy across the lands, claiming to Make the Seven Destitute Slums Great Again, but in reality with more nefarious goals in mind. 13. And on Skellig Michael, that lonely moon of FoShizzle, did Greg dwell for many cycles.

8 1. The peoples of the Seven Lands received George with wary enthusiasm. 2. Long had they chafed under Greg's oppression, being subject to wanton slaughter and deviance at the noodly appendages of the Slender One. 3. And for a time, peace and prosperity was known throughout the world. 4. But George began to impose gradual change to meet his secret ends. 5. And it came to pass that his armies marched against the royals and kings-men, to pull down their titles and nobility and red velvet cakes, and leveled them down to the earth. 6. Their roles were replaced by elected councils of Founding Fathers drawn from the population. 7. The way of Shwasleesnee was banned, with the Church of Larceny exalted in its wake. 8. Terrible Tuesdays also fell by the wayside, replaced instead with the far more boring Fun Friday. 9. The Fopostles faced persecution by the state, being made to renounce Greg, dispense with all their oreos and ramen noodles, and go door-to-door handing out flyers telling of Shizzle's new lord and savior George. 10. And over many eons, George and the Founding Fathers drew upon the population of the world, bringing their captives to Mt. Doom in the land of 'Nam and creating an army of the undead with the power of the Marker. 11. George hoped to summon his dark master the Frankinator to inhabit these ghouls and once again bring about the Destruction of Everthing, undoing the work of Greg in breaking the infinite Grand Cycle. 12. Having learned of this plan through forbidden contact with the Fopostles, the former Queen Nina of the Congo went to the moon of Skellig Michael to meet the exiled Greg. 13. Finding him standing on a cliffside facing the sea, with grey beard long and clothes in tatters, she presented him the sacred battle ax of Jessica's Birthday Party. 14. Greg turned to face her and asked, "How did you even find me out here?" 15. And Nina replied, "I know De Wey." 16. She besought him to return to Shizzle to fight George once again and free his people from bondage and domination. 17. The AllFather was reluctant, feeling shame for having abandoned the Fopostles during their time of need. 18. But Nina persisted, telling of the evils that the Founding Fathers wrought upon the Seven Lands. 19. "George and the Frankinator are strong with the dark side of the Force. They're preventing Nine Inch Nails from touring again," she said. 20. And it was then that Greg knew that his time in hiding had finished. 21. Nodding solemnly, he said, "I'd hate to have to kick their asses. Now I'm going to Walmart." 22. Thus he went into the abode of capitalism to purchase Mountain Lightning and Great Value-brand microwaveable noodles, for he had not brought much money with him to the Cow's Udder. 23. And so he returned triumphantly to the 1sland riding a horse of the apocalypse, and the remaining Backsmashers and Fopostles cast off the habits of larceny and laid garlic bread upon the ground for his horse to tread upon. 24. And they cried, "Surely he is the one foretold to climb atop the garbage pit, to become the Cream of the Crop!" 25. And Greg replied, "Do you know where THE MACHO MAN IS COMING FROM? YEAH!" 26. And together Greg and his followers entered the palace and drove out all who had desecrated his holy court, and they overturned the tables of the Magic players and the seats of those selling dietary cookbooks, saying "It is written, 'Let all ye who believeth in me feast on oreos and ramen noodles. Let the ulcers rot within you as mine have.'" 27. Having taken back his home, the Mighty Tater held his spork and gathered a war party to descend upon 'Nam.

9 1. Riding a PT boat provided by Mahbutu Charon, the Forces of Tastiness followed the river Styx into Da Wildaness. 2. When they came upon the volcanic Mt. Doom, deep within 'Nam, Greg sent Boone and the Widowmaker Brooke to scout the lay of the land. 3. And there Greg and the remaining Fopostles were come upon on all sides by the Knights of Fren sent from George, nameth of Dang Dingus, Bag Nasty, Bango Skank, Big Chungus, Spoog Meister, Swamp Princess, and Beef of the Past (a former Beef Burgundy of the Jammonites). 4. So it came to pass that Gates, Xavier, Mason, Matthias, and Chris the Champion formed a five-way and deftly defeated the Knights by playing rat dota. 5. And Greg stood upon their trampled bodies and washed his hands of it, saying "Space Bear does not negotiate with criminals." 6. It was about that time that Boone and the Widowmaker returned, and having surveyed the area they led the war party out into a large valley at the foot of Mt. Doom known as Molgotha, the Place of the Ass. 7. There they witnessed what had happened in the bowels of Mt. Doom, where George had generated a race of horrors with the Marker, beings that the cosmos itself had never dreamed of in its blackest nightmares. 8. Using the Marker's twisted and evil powers, George had turned the captives of the Seven Lands into an army of Necromorphs and Xenomorphs, numbering in their ten thousands. 9. The seething mass of grunions lay out before the AllFather, with George at their lead strutting about with purpose. 10. And George launched into villainous monologue, declaring, "So the Slender One hath returned, only to be defeated yet again. Upon the birth of the next moon the baleful tunes of misery shall slowly creep into your very dreams, lurking there forevermore as your mind is broken down like so many proteins dissolving in the belly of some great Beast. 11. Cerebral subjugation complete, the remnants of your charred soul will be cast into the pit of Dis, where you shall slowly fester in pools of equine ejaculate for over a thousand years." 12. Greg shook his head and told the Fopostles, "He's light in his loafers. I bet that guy can touch his toes." For that was something which Greg would never dare to do. 13. And so with spork and battle ax raised in hand, the AllFather cried, "MAY THE THUNDER GODS BLESS ME," and charged against the Necromorph hordes. 14. The Backsmashers and Fopostles followed in his wake, with Isaac Clarke inspired to overcome the fear of his memories fighting Necromorphs on the USG Ishimura, and Xavier the Druid conjuring an infernal Big Rig to drive into the mass of fleshy monsters. 15. George thus transfigured into Gorgamesh, the Great Patriotic Eagle, and flew into their midst. 16. And so began the battle to this day referred to as the Second or Great Boogaloo, also known simply as The War. 17. The two sides were joined in battle by Mahbutu Charon and Nina of the Congo, come to reclaim her title of Queen, and Amanda Ripley of the Anesidora, an expert at fending off Xenomorphs. 18. Even B.O.B. was there. 19. And though they were vastly outnumbered, the succulent Forces of Tastiness fought with the might of Maxus Gregor, true demigod of those Seven Destitute Slums, and prevailed against the forces of darkness. 20. But then from Mt. Doom sprang forth the Frankinator in a fit of passion, awakened from his restless slumber at last. 21. And the Frankinator had upon him a helmet of brass, and on his face sat the Mask of Guy Fawkes, interlaiden with the Curse of /b/. 22. The Great Salad Dressing roared from atop his fiery perch, "I have arrived to destroy your world and all within it, to fashion a dark and quiet Fo-verse in my own likeness. It's been four millennia since I last slept, all I want is a good night's rest! I'm seeing babies on the ceiling!" 23. And Greg replied, "You are indeed the dumbest motherfucker to ever live." 24. With the hands of Manos, the Sacred Hands of the Slender One, Greg took within his grasp one magma from the depths of Mt. Doom, while the Frankinator conjured one quintillion electric eels with the power bestowed through the Curse of /b/. 25. And when the two behemoths met, the world was overcome as with a bright light shining forth, that the Forces of Tastiness feared would burn their retinas eternally. 26. But the light dissipated, and behold, where once Mt. Doom had been there was now a glistening Iron Throne of Greg, with the AllFather seated in the middle, and Chris the Champion at his right hand, and the Slender One at his left hand. 27. The AllFather spoke for all the world, "Those boys have got to learn that the fat man will always win." 28. And everywhere the people rose up and delivered the Founding Fathers and the Church of Larceny into the Slark Pit, where their pustules will boil forevermore. 29. And the three members of the Greghead spoke, "The Great Boogaloo hath ended. All who are sorcerers and whoremongers and Burger Kings, ye be welcome here in the Newb Kingdom, where I shall reign always through the power of diabetus." 30. The multitude commemorated this day by opening seasonal loot boxes and packs full of only the rarest foils. 31. And I Matthias, Prophet and Fopostle of the Mighty Tater, in witnessing this event testify that if any man or woman should add unto this Fresh Testament, he or she be also welcome to do so. 32. For the barbecue blessings of Greg remain with us all, wherever he may be.

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