The Battles of RJ and the Man-Bear-Pig (MTV)



The Battles of RJ and the Man-Bear-Pig (MTV) is the Matthias Translated Version of the first book in the saga of the Man-Bear-Pig wars, and thus the first book of the Leftover Testament. This book covers the first encounter of the legendary RJ Hulse, a pseudonym of the AllFather, with the Man-Bear-Pig Commander.

Content
The Battles of RJ and the Man-Bear-Pig (MTV) 1 1. It was a crazy beginning for my day; I had just seen the Man-Bear-Pig. 2. What is a Man-Bear-Pig, you ask? Well, of course it is half-man, half-bear, and half-pig. 3. Well, to begin, I was walking down the boulevard when I saw this creature jump out and steal an old woman’s purse, so I was like, “Oh no, I will help you Grandma!” 4. Because that’s just what you do for your grandparents: you help them when they’re attacked by monsters. 5. So I pulled out my slingshot, and the Man-Bear-Pig leered at me and taunted, “You don’t dare shoot me.” 6. I then proceeded to shoot his left eye with my slingshot. 7. He squealed, just like a pig. 8. He then leaned toward me menacingly, covering his eye, and grabbed me by the neck with his right hand. 9. “Your kind shall all die for this insult!” he growled. 10. But in his eyes, I could see that he was trying to bury his fear of me; I guess he hadn’t expected a lowly human to actually wound him. 11. I glared up at him and said, “This will be war; I will see you in seven days at the park,” pointing at the park along the edge of the boulevard. 12. He accepted my declaration of war, and as he released me and skulked off into the nearby woods, I could only begin to imagine the entirety of the destructive conflict that would ensue after the end of this week.
 * -excerpt from the private journals of RJ Hulse

2 1. Afterward, RJ went and gathered three hundred of the best tournament paintball shooters there were in the small town in which they lived, and formed a militia, which, along with the local police and a small group of National Guards, would fight against the Man-Bear-Pigs. 2. However, what RJ didn’t know was that there were seven hundred Man-Bear-Pigs that they would be up against. 3. On the seventh day, a cold, winter morning with snow flakes descending from the dawn sky, RJ and his men gathered at the park. 4. As they made a large formation at the summit of a hill in the park, the Man-Bear-Pigs came rushing from the woods. 5. Most of them were unarmed, but they ran onward, planning to use brute force to defeat the humans. 6. When the Man-Bear-Pigs were within range, RJ ordered his men to open fire. 7. So the battle began. 8. The Man-Bear-Pigs charged into the ranks of the humans, and a massive melee broke out. 9. As the humans gathered closer together at the top of the hill, the Man-Bear-Pigs began literally crawling atop one another as they swarmed toward RJ. 10. RJ took an automatic paintball gun and a grenade and unleashed his fury upon the creatures, officially starting the war. 11. After nearly three hours of fighting, the humans were able to force the Man-Bear-Pigs to retreat back into the woods. 12. Victorious, the humans returned to the relative safety of the town and celebrated for the remainder of the day. 13. While RJ and some of his soldiers were in the local bar, though, they were given a message that a Marine transmitter had received on his radio: 14. “Enjoy this victory for the moment, RJ, for this is just a trifle battle compared to what awaits your future very soon. Bide your time well, because time will now always be in short supply for you. It is just as you said, ‘This is war.’”

Second Installment
The Longest Day: Treshford's Tale