The Last Gospel of Boone

The Last Gospel of Boone is the sequel book to both The First Gospel of Boone and The Boogalations of Greg. It describes the expedition led by Chris and Boone into FoShizzle to discover the origins of the Rona virus, and attempt to stop its spread.

Content
The Last Gospel of Boone

1 1. Sometime after the defeat of President George and the Frankinator at the Hands of Manos of Greg and his Tasty Alliance, the Greghead called for the avengers to assemble at the Iron Throne. 2. “Getch yur asses over here!” Greg bellowed across the Seven Destitute Slums using the ancient Ringgoldian battle language, which could penetrate all ears with or without consent. 3. A plague had befallen Shizzle, that dread affliction known as the Rona virus, and Gregor was determined to stop its spread before the Rammstein world tour could be cancelled. 4. So far millions had died from shitting their brains out during the Rona epileptic-demic, leading to what would become a severe toilet paper shortage. 5. When Greg’s cohort at last arrived at the Iron Throne, atop Mt. Doom deep in the jungles of ‘Nam, he gathered them all up close in a great big bear hug. 6. Chris the Champion and the Slender One, seated to each side of the AllFather as part of the Greghead trinity, glanced at one another quizzically. 7. When Greg at last let go of his friends when they neared the point of suffocation, he set them down and gave each of them a pat on the head in turn. 8. They numbered six; Gates the Grue, Xav the truckermancer, Mason the Rackbar and his person-mate Jasmine the Reaver, Boone the walrus sniper, and the Prophet Matthias. 9. And in her arms Jasmina held a little javelina junk pig, her beloved pet. 10. The AllFather cracked his knuckles, clapped his hands, and declared, “Holy Fact Checker, I summon thee!” 11. Out from behind the Iron Throne sprang forth Max, clad in the red shirt of the continuity keepers. 12. “What the hell are you doing here?” Gates the Grue asked. 13. A grin wider than Kat’s ass spread across Max’s face. “When y’all destroyed the Frankinator, I was out of a job! Gregor here was kind enough to bring me on board. The pay’s lousy, but it’s honest work.” 14. Greg then brought up a large, wet cardboard box, whose contents spilled out onto the ground when the bottom ripped open. 15. “That would’ve been a nice townhouse,” Boone said mournfully, thinking of the boxes Greg provided his Jammonite people to fashion their homes. 16. Max launched into a monologue for the purposes of exposition, admitting, “I have to justify my appearance in this story somehow.” 17. And Max pointed down to the stuff that had fallen from the box, saying, “These are the Libro Books, those most holy of texts that have survived Greg’s ass during the Great Toilet Paper Shortage. As you well know, the AllFather has hoarded masses of books suitable to use for wiping the royal posterior.” 18. Max briefly shuddered, then continued, “Although the Libros were not written by any of you Fopostles, we have ascertained that they possess a Tasty nature divinely inspired of Greg, and are suitable for inclusion in the canon. Sadly, the Book of Steve is not thought to have been spared from the shortage.” 19. Matthias and Mason bowed their heads at the news of the lost scripture. 20. “However, we believe that the Libro Books that did survive may be key to helping us flush the Rona virus into the Telestial Septic System at last,” Max finished. 21. Gregor Maxus looked up, and said, “Oh, you’re done? Good, okay friends, basically I need you to get to the bottom of what caused the Rona virus and how to stop it. 22. I’m not helping though, because I’m pretty fuckin’ tired, boys. I haven’t been this tired since I fought against the Thinking Vending Machines during the Gut-hurtlin’ Jihad. Man, I miss those days.” 23. Greg looked off as if into the middle distance, reminiscing. 24. “Anyway,  I’m sitting this one out while you peons go take care of things. I’m the DM here bitches! My right hand Chris will serve as my Champion during your journey.” 25. The six Fopostles awkwardly gathered up the Libros off the ground, and gave them a good look. 26. They included National Lampoon’s Doon, the Ancient Jedi Texts, the Dead Space Prima Guide, a D&D 3.5 edition Player’s Handbook, and a thoroughly-soiled Sports Illustrated 2011 Swimsuit Edition. 27. “Actually, you can’t have that one. That’s the Oracle,” Greg said hurriedly, and snatched the magazine away. “You’re supposed to have this one.” 28. Greg handed over a large tome inscribed with Ringgoldian runes. 29. Xav, using his Druidic knowledge, read the cover and translated, “I believe it says ‘Ahga Eeth Pizdek,’ the ‘Yearbook of the Good Old Boys.’ It’s dated Class of 6 Quintillion B.G.” 30. The AllFather nodded sagely, replying, “Yes, it is the primeval Book of Gods. It far predates even me as a millennial.” 31. Jasmine began to leaf through the tome, pointing out various pictures along the way. 32. “Look, there’s Gargantoa, the Great Cosmic Slock Bear. And over here is Shig Nuggudeth, The One with Ten Thousand Orifices,” she said. 33. Turning the next page, she came upon a picture that immediately drew everyone’s attention with the sense of foreboding it inspired. 34. The javelina junk pig let out a squeal. 35. The class portrait was of a poorly-rendered, anthropomorphic pig wearing a baseball cap and overalls. Strangely, the song “Pony” by Genuwine seemed to begin playing quietly from out of nowhere before abruptly stopping. 36. Max broke the silence at last, saying, “That’s Uncle Samsonite, truly one of the Goodest and Oldest of the Bois.” 37. Greg belched, then said “I wash my hands of this and leave it up to you all. Chris, have at ‘em. I’ve gotta make a trip to the toilet, and it won’t be a friendly visit. Damn Rona virus.” 38. And Greg lumbered up out of the Iron Throne, then paused and scooped up the Sports Illustrated magazine. “Might consult the Oracle while I’m at it, too.”

2 1. Chris the Champion, who already done some reading up before this campaign session, had determined that the origin of the Rona virus may have been related to the Marker and necromorph hordes, thanks to the tips he found in the Dead Space Prima Guide. 2. He suggested they begin their journey at Papa Bear’s castle in FoShizzle, knowing that his alter ego the Frankinator had an open relationship with the Marker. 3. Boone and Gates the Grue stepped up to the plate and taught the Fopostles how to enter FoShizzle through the Cow’s Udder constellation, by bending over, looking between their knees, and performing a flying raspberry. 4. Matthias looked over at Max the holy fact checker, and asked, “Um, they shouldn’t really know this ritual yet because the timeline got all fucked up, right?” 5. And Max answered, “I’m giving them a pass this time for the sake of advancing the plot.” 6. Then it came to pass that the Fopostle assemblage were defecated into the C.U. with haste, and set out to the island of Ahbalba Doobie where Papa Bear’s lair resided. 7. They found The Holy Court of Usher lying empty and in ruins, proof enough that Papa Bear had disappeared alongside his Frankinator persona during the Great Boogaloo. 8. However, the party could vaguely hear the fast, hoarse guttural laughs of Papa Bear echoing throughout the Court’s halls, as if they had been burned into the very sheetrock. 9. The Fopostles sated their disappointment by raiding the pantry for some of the famed illegal danishes that Papa Bear was known to keep. 10. And Chris led his people on an exodus across FoShizzle, where the fog-filled landscape had begun to fade and degrade without the Frankish power holding the fabric of reality together any longer. 11. As they traveled along, Xav began to regale the group with his plans for the new D&D setting he was putting together for them. 12. “I can’t wait to constipate you all this Saturday,” the Irish truckermancer said, puffing out smoke rings from a vape pen. 13. “May I have a hit of vape, please?” Gates the Grue asked politely in his best Cockney accent. 14. And together Xav and Gates and Mason vaped. 15. It was about that time that they came upon an old decrepit bus stop, out in the middle of bum-fuck-Egypt. 16. Puzzled, the group decided to wait around for the next ride, but no bus came. 17. However, they got a good spook when a crusty old sage snuck up behind them and said, “Whatch you’uns doin’ ‘round these parts, mmm hmm? Seems like yer up’ta somethin’ funny, not funny ha-ha but funny queer.” 18. The sage carried with him a large kaiser blade (some folks call it a sling blade, he called it a kaiser blade), and was munching on some delectable French Fried Potaters. 19. Chris, in his Champion form, said, “Mr. Childers, welcome to Ingles.” 20. And the sage recognized the Champion from days past, recalling tenderizing moments shared together in the meat section of their former secret society. 21. Boone too recognized the sage, but couldn’t quite place his finger on why. 22. His inner monologue called out, “It’s convenient for the plot!” in the voice of Max the holy fact checker. 23. And Boone shook the sage’s hand, explaining, “We have been sent forth to impregnate the universe with Greg’s filth. The Rona virus must be stopped at all cost.” 24. The sage nodded his head in a sage-like fashion, and proceeded to light some sage and chant like a mage. 25. “Gotta ward off the Weirdos. They’re infested strong in these parts, lots’a Rona all up inside ‘em now that Papa Bear’s done gone,” the sage explained. 26. “Weirdos?” Matthias asked, as a large form suddenly rose up behind him out from the blurry abyss. “Who are they?” 27. “Welp, there’s one right behind ya,” the sage replied, shoving the Prophet aside and giving the form a good whack with his kaiser blade. 28. He plum near decapitated it, but even through the blurry, fog-like fading of reality the Fopostles could see the thing was a tall, humanoid frog. 29. “Funny frogs, those Weirdos. Not funny ha-ha, funny queer,” the sage piped up, as if that explained anything. 30. Feeling a bit uncomfy, Chris asked the sage to direct them toward the nearest settlement, where they might find shelter. 31. And they were led to a podunk little village called Novac, where Boone was again struck by the strange familiarity, feeling a terrible sorrow and arousal as if this were actually his home, and a beloved dinosaur life partner should be waiting for him. 32. But no dinosaur, nor home, was to be found here, and as Boone put on his sunglasses to peer more clearly into the fog he saw that a large area of Novac was simply gone, wiped away into smitheroons. 33. A section of reality had imploded into itself, leaving only fractal shapes and sizes. 34. Boone pointed this mess out to his cohort, and everyone decided they all needed a drink.

3 1. Those merrymen, merrywoman, and merry junk pig entered a bar in Novac known as the Miami Sundown to slake their thirst for some liver poison. 2. The dive bar was run down to hell, and was filled to the gills with despicable sorts of characters. 3. There were bumpkins, local yokels, and white trash of all sorts inside. 4. Some disgusting beasties lurked at the darkest corners, and the bartender didn’t seem to be of a friendly nature, either. 5. Preparing for trouble, the Fopostles ordered some Twisted Teas with which to crack skulls. 6. While taking a nice long sip of his drink, Gates the Grue suddenly felt a heavy flipper slap atop his shoulder. 7. Turning, he saw a large walrus had sauntered up to him, glaring menacingly. 8. “HORK,” the walrus ejaculated in Gates’s face. 9. Another figure stood beside the walrus; the thing was ghastly, being half-man, half-bear, and half-pig. 10. “He doesn’t like you,” the Man-Bear-Pig said, hooking a clawed thumb in the direction of the walrus. “I don’t like you, either. You Hamicidists bring your food with you wherever you go!” 11. The javelina junk pig wriggled in Jasmine’s arms nervously as the Man-Bear-Pig gazed down at it. 12. “I think there’s been a misunderstanding, friend. This little porker is just a pet,” Mason said, stepping in front of Gates and Jasmine to block them from the MBP. 13. Boone stood attentive in the background, observing the situation silently. 14. “In Novac, humans are just pets, too, and we like to hear you squeal like pigs,” the Man-Bear-Pig said, looking leeringly at first Mason, then Gates, then Jasmine. “Male or female, you primates all have holes to fill.” 15. “HORK HORK HORK!” the walrus cried excitedly. 16. Boone, still standing behind the others, raised his chin and said, “How about a drink on us, and no holes filled tonight?” 17. The two monstrous creatures looked at one another, smirks plastered on their toothy countenances. 18. The Man-Bear-Pig looked to Boone, and replied, “At approximately 5 a.m., it’s rape time, and wouldn’t you know it…” 19. He turned his porcine head to look at the clock behind the bar, just as the hand moved from 4:59 a.m. Novac Time to 5:00 a.m. 20. In a frenzy, the walrus pushed Mason aside to get at Gates’s sweet, Gruish body. 21. Immediately Boone drew his sniper rifle and fired it at the blubberous beast, sending a spray of fat and blood every which way. 22. Then, from behind the MBP, Xav did some hand-motions and with a big slam-boomy summoned up his animal familiar, the floppy dog Caille-Pup, who set about to crunching and munching. 23. A melee broke out in the bar, as Gates broke off both tusks from the dead walrus and dueled a Braavosi swordsman, Matthias hurled insults like projectiles at a headcrab zombie, and Mason and Jasmine used the power of love (gag!) to defeat Pyramid Head. 24. Finally, Chris cleared the way and, donning his fedora, sent an Eldritch Blast rippling through the building, literally bringing down the house. 25. “I’ve had enough of bar-hopping for one lifetime,” Chris said with a gleam in his eye. “Come on, let’s get to shelter.”

4 1. Using a bunch of plastic Walmart bags they found in the parking lot, the Fopostles erected a tent to last them through the night. 2. Each Tasty warrior felt demoralized at the lack of progress toward their goal of stopping the Rona virus, knowing that Greg would be pissed off when his Rammstein show inevitably got canceled. 3. To brighten their spirits, Chris used Sacred Flame to make a nice little campfire and led a devotional within the tent. 4. “Fear not, brethren, for the Slender One guides us in spirit if not in body. Blessed are ye who are bloated and fattened, for you have known the fullness of Greg. 5. Blessed are ye who have partaken of the lolicon and been unscathed, for you have been cleaned of evil. 6. And blessed are ye who have been smitten on the cheek, for I say unto you, bitch-slap your enemies with extreme prejudice. 7. For Greg has given of his body to create Shizzle, and all who dwell therein are as his children. 8. And lo, Greg has descended upon the land with a flurry of fucks to give, and a Cinnamon Coke in hand, to fling carbonated froth across the keyboards of the righteous. 9. Know this, then, that I am sent of Greg to preserve the Tasty faith, to ensure that the dysentery of the Rona virus does not deter you from eating your hearts out.” 10. Chris produced the Dead Space Prima Guide, and read, “Thus it is written, ‘Throughout your many missions, you may need to stop and find your next objective. The simplest way to do this is using your Objective Locator ability.’ 11. Greg has given us that Objective Locator ability, here and here,” Chris finished, point at first his head, and then his gut. 12. And the Fopostles drew near, listening with their eyes and seeing with their ears, and knew that which he said to be good, perhaps even profound. 13. And soon they fell about, indulging in nostalgia, thinking upon simpler times. 14. Boone and Jasmine told the tale of rescuing Mason from the clutches of the hag-thing Enimsaj during his captivity, an odyssey that would be immortalized in scripture as The Canticle of Crawley. 15. Gates the Grue and Chris recalled their tenures serving the secret society of Ingles, and the meaty misadventures they had endured together. 16. Matthias and Xav regaled the others with fond memories of late-night jam sessions in the burg of Dawnville, deep in the American heartland. 17. And as they broke bread, Chris placed a hand on Boone’s shoulder, saying, “You are the Fopostle whom I love, the most loyal and faithful of my people. For you, a million blessings will come. Take of my strength during your time of need, for it is fast approaching.” 18. And Boone wiped Chris’s feet with his beret. 19. And for a time all things were good, and the Fopostles rested in preparation for the challenges ahead. 20. But good things, as with all non-good things, eventually come to an end.

5 1. Upon awakening, the posse quickly discovered something was wrong. 2. “Lil Porker’s gone!” Jasmine cried, and indeed, the junk pig was nowhere to be found. 3. And though they searched high and low, inside and outside, out-and-out and around-about, the wee javelina had flown the pigpen. 4. Nevertheless, the Fopostles knew they had to proceed with their holy task, and researched the Libro Books to determine their next move. 5. Thanks to the Ancient Jedi Texts, they used the Force to discover the Wellspring of the Weirdos, and traveled to its location in the hopes of learning more about the strange frog-like beings they had encountered the day before. 6. As they drew near to the Wellspring, treading carefully in the dim, foggy terrain as reality continued to slowly crumble around them, the party could hear what sounded like angry, unhinged ranting close by. 7. The babbling and burbling voice grew louder, and soon they could see flashes of green light through the haze. 8. And as they approached, it came to pass that Alex Jones, who was kinda retarded, burst upon the scene blasting at gay frogs with a Big Fucking Gun. 9. The BFG’s green laser bursts ripped through the homosexual amphibians with ease, and Jones shouted, “I WILL go to hell, before I sit here and I watch this country and the world be turned over to these savages! Blargh, rurgh!” 10. Chris turned to look at his followers, shrugged, and led the charge to aid the InfoWarrior. 11. And they set upon the mass of Weirdos, using their Twisted Teas from the bar to bash the frogs into submission. 12. Alex Jones cackled in delight at the violence, yelling, “I’ve got the fire of human liberty, I’m settin’ fires everywhere!” 13. Finally, amidst the field of goo and guts, the humans won the day. 14. Jones explained to the Fopostles that he had learned of something turning the friggin’ frogs gay, and had also tracked the Weirdos back to the Wellspring. 15. Ever since the disappearance of Papa Bear, said Alex Jones, a mysterious group known as the Order of the Geometric Soul had begun to spread is influence across FoShizzle. 16. Wherever the Order went, reality began to bust down at the seams, and Jones believed its adherents were responsible for the creation of the Weirdos. 17. Jones had experience researching wild necromorphs during the days of the Marker, he continued, and using his tinfoil hat, Jones had psychically recognized that the Weirdos had sprung from a similar nexus of power as the Marker. 18. He had tracked this power source here, in search of the Wellspring, but had been caught up in battle against the Weirdos for days. 19. “Soon they’ll return, and the psychic vampires will feast on our minds!” Jones exclaimed. 20. He graciously placed the tinfoil hat atop Chris’s head, and the young demigod, with a clearer mind than that of the InfoWarrior, quickly determined the exact location of the Wellspring of Weirdos and led the group there. 21. Soon they were wading into a thick muck, and the foggy haze gave way to a soft red glow. 22. At the center of the glow, a ginormous, round pig-baby head was visible sticking up out from the swamp; though this creature seemed to be asleep, atop its cranium sat a strange spider-like being. 23. “Chris the Champion, I presume?” the spider asked. Before Chris could answer, the thing continued, “You stand before the presence of The Eye of Webbish Bog of Eternal Stench. Few mortal men can say they have done this, and lived.” 24. Chris tipped his fedora, and said, “I am more than a mortal man.” 25. Alex Jones enthusiastically slapped Chris on the back, chiming in, “That’s right, when you see a threat comin’ down on ya, DEAL WITH IT!” 26. The spider thing raised an eyebrow, then said, “I am Pig Nasty, interpreter of the dark dreams of The Eye of Webbish Bog of Eternal Stench. You have fought bravely to make it this far, and thus are worthy of the information you seek. What knowledge do you covet most?” 27. “What time is lunch? I could use a burger,” Matthias asked quickly. 28. “After this story is done, child. What else?” the spidery oracle asked impatiently. 29. Chris and Boone exchanged a glance, and something unspoken passed between them. 30. Boone stepped up and said, “Mr. Nasty, I’ve had… strange visions, or memories, since we arrived in FoShizzle. Memories of things I haven’t experienced. Everything here feels so familiar, yet I’ve never been to FoShizzle.” 31. “Ahhh, but you have, my child! More than two thousand times over has your spirit passed through this realm and out again, forever wandering, stuck between worlds. 32. For a time, many times indeed, you have been the Gatekeeper at the Cow’s Udder, guarding the bridge between Shizzle and FoShizzle, and always it is you leave with that one-” Pig Nasty stopped speaking, and pointed to Gates the Grue with a glare. 33. The spider continued, “Though you are born of Shizzle, your place is here, Boone. Before the villain Gregor Maxus broke the 2,601 cycles, I brought you here to FoShizzle, during an outer body experience you had from an orgy at Isaac Clarke’s temple of decadence. 34. I foretold that you would become the Gatekeeper, and sought to bring you to your proper place. 35. But always, The Grue would take you away, perpetuating the Great Cycle. 36. Each cycle saw the Destruction of Everthing and the Intergalactic Truffle Shuffle of Creation, over and over, and each time you would lose your memory of what had come before, aside from traces. 37. During the final cycle you had not yet journeyed to FoShizzle when Greg decided to… do something different, but those same traces remained in your genetic memory. 38. And now they have brought you home once again!” 39. Boone, aghast at the depths of these existential revelations, was almost speechless until Alex Jones screamed at him, “Stop bein’ WEAK! BECOME A HUMAN AGAIN!” 40. Wiping Jonesian spittle from his face, Boone nodded and asked Pig Nasty, “What caused the Rona virus, and how is this all related? What is happening to both our worlds?” 41. Pig Nasty drew up to his full height, and leveled his gaze at Boone. 42. “Why… It’s time to have some fun with Uncle Samsonite,” Mr. Nasty said at last. “We are preparing the way for Him, and a reign of twerking that shall last ten thousand generations.” 43. The Fopostles thought back to the portrait of the Pig God in the Yearbook of the Good Old Boys. 44. Smirking, Pig Nasty continued in evil monologue, “We have long hated the inhabitants of your realm for continually committing the unforgiveable sin, Hamicide, eating the flesh of pigs. 45. For generations we have watched you eat your bacon, clogging your veins in greasy abandon. And for generations we have planned your undoing! 46. I was the harbinger of Samsonite in FoShizzle, arriving in the Good Old Days long before the first creation of Shizzle, and through the dark dreams of The Eye of Webbish Bog of Eternal Stench did we interrupt Papa Bear’s sleep for four thousand years, driving him to the madness of Frankinating. 47. He was our unwitting pawn, and never realized that President George was OUR gift to him. 48. Although George was a human, he was a larcenist, wanting to steal away your disgusting, unhealthy diets, and was happy to be complicit in our plans. 49. The Rona virus was created by our Tyerven – or Man-Bear-Pig, as you call them – scientists from a variant of the swine flu, and was delivered to Shizzle through the Marker by President George as your punishment for Hamicide, before his untimely demise. 50. But the damage is already done, and at last, Uncle Samsonite is ready to have some fun. 51. The Frankinator unconsciously kept us at bay, but now our Order of the Geometric Soul has nothing to stop us from grinding the fabric of reality down. We shall bring our Pig God up from the Depths of Dreams!” 52. Finally, Boone was stupefied by the flood of exposition, and only Chris had the presence of mind to ask, “Then did you create the Marker, and the Wellspring of Weirdos?” 53. Pig Nasty scoffed. “The Marker is an ancient thing, a delivery system for corruption, and is at least as old as Uncle Samsonite, perhaps even older. 54. It is a constant of the multiverse dating back to the births of the Heavenly Hobos. No matter how many times it is destroyed, it will return. 55. This Wellspring, meanwhile, is a convergence between Here and There that I have claimed as my very own Ronald McDonald Play Place. I draw upon the residual power of the Marker from its passing through these waters, so that I can amuse myself with all the gay frogs I desire! How they delight me so.” 56. At that, Alex Jones had had enough. He leveled the BFG at The Eye of Webbish Bog of Eternal Stench and pulled the trigger, and instantly the piggish oracle was incinerated in a flash of blinding green light, blasted to smitheroons. 57. And Jones cried to the heavens, red-faced and streaming tears, “You’ll NEVER defeat the human spirit!” 58. Chris and the Fopostles looked to one another, realizing they may at last be in over their heads. 59. And it was about that time that the reality around them finally gave way.

6 1. “At least we got all the boring back story over with!” Mason said, as the party looked at what little remained of their surroundings. 2. They stood in a liminal space, a dim, barren abyss with no discernable sense of distance or direction. 3. But before them now came into sight and sound the Lovecraftian form of that Good Old Boy, jolly Uncle Samsonite, as if assembled by pure matter itself rising from the infinite red dunes that had plagued the Frankinator’s nightmares for eons. 4. And when the Pig God spoke, His voice was like a deep velvety tune tickling the molecules of the Fopostles’ eardrums. 5. And the scale of the porcine being was immense, truly awesome, encompassing size beyond imagination. 6. Uncle Samsonite had become their reality. 7. Alex Jones snarled and raised his BFG, but the Pig God flicked it out of the human’s hands like a mere booger, and then flicked Alex Jones away, too. 8. “Go on now, lay down the beat for me, sweet children, as I prepare to dance in Shizzle next. If I can’t dance, I’m not having any fun. And I’m not having any fun, then no one is having any fun,” Samsonite spake in the Ringgoldian battle language, His sultry tones penetrating all ears. 9. “…Twerk… twerk… twerk…” Matthias began, compelled by the infinite power of the words. 10. “Fuck no!” Xav yelled, cutting off the Prophet’s chant. 11. He and Chris met eyes, shook hands, and slapped asses. 12. Xav conjured up his infernal Big Rig, and everyone hopped aboard as he plowed that motherfucker into Samsonite. 13. The Pig God was unphased however, and thundered, “THAT WASN’T VERY FUN.” 14. And He raised His hands above His head, and where there had once been blank nothingness, there was now everything crashing in around the Fospostles, as if the ass of the universe had fallen out. 15. And lo, the infernal Big Rig tumbled about as if it were a penny caught in Hell’s washing machine (not on the delicate cycle), and those inside were thoroughly shooketh. 16. As they all clattered about, dropping into forever, a brain-thought occurred to Boone. 17. His destiny was to become the Gatekeeper of the Cow’s Udder, the bridge between the two realms of Shizzle and FoShizzle, as he had done countless times before the Cycle was broken by Greg. 18. It was time for Boone to assume the mantle once more. “We’re about to do some multiverse shit,” Boone told his companions. 19. And he opened the passenger door of the Big Rig and thrust himself outside into the mass of rushing cosmos. 20. Boone ran his right hand through the stardust like Jim in Treasure Planet, reaching out to grab what he needed to find from inside Shizzle. 21. As his fingers closed around the object, Boone pulled his hand back, and in his grasp was an 89 cent, 2 liter bottle of Big K Citrus Drop, the Kroger-branded Mountain Dew. 22. Boone then stuck his left hand out into Ze Void, and Lil Porker junk pig dropped into it, safe and sound at last. 23. And he thrust these two weapons at Uncle Samsonite, and at last the Good Old Boy paused his rain of destruction. 24. The sight of the cheapo sugar water and subjugated piglet were too much for Uncle Samsonite, who was having a decidedly bad time now, and He let out a great piercing screech as He grabbed Boone and cast both Himself and the human into the Outer Darkness, beyond where even the Telestial Septic System empties out. 25. Chris the Champion, using the force bestowed upon him as a member of the Greghead, took advantage of the moment and reached beyond reality to tear the Foverse a new one. 26. Peering into the tear, Chris was surprised to find seven faces staring back at him. 27. There was a dwarf, a halfling, a tiefling, an aasimar, a wood elf, and a human jokester. 28. The Fopostles looked to on another, then at their counterparts from that distant Forgotten Realm. 29. “Maybe another time,” Chris said, and closed the tear. 30. He opened another tear, flinging the fabric of reality aside like so many curtains, and could see the 1sland beyond. 31. At Chris’s beckoning, Xav drove the Big Rig through the tear, crashing back into the world. 32. The Champion looked back into the stunning chaos that Uncle Samsonite had unleashed, and knew that he would not have the strength to fight the Pig God alone, without the rest of the Greghead. 33. But Chris knew he could help Boone hold the Good Old Boy off just awhile longer, so he spread his hands back into the lips of the multiverse and rummaged around until he found the BFG that Alex Jones had used. 34. Chris used his transcendental foresight to peer into the Outer Darkness, and fired the BFG at the bottle of Big K Citrus Drop. 35. The resulting explosion of the laser with the caustic soft drink lit the Foverse on fire, and instantly closed the tear from Shizzle into Ze Void. 36. “For this day you shall go to Paradise, and a million blessing await you,” Chris said. 37. Then he collapsed on the ground, as the rest of the Tasty warriors left the Big Rig to get their shit together.

7 1. Boone was not sure exactly where he had ended up, but he knew it was home. 2. The Big Fucking Explosion had blown him away from Uncle Samsonite, who had disappeared back into the Depths of Dreams to pout. 3. In his heart Boone knew the Pig God was not vanquished, but the walrus sniper had fulfilled his service to the Greghead at last. 4. Even a momentary setback might be enough time for the forces of Tastiness to pull some ideas out of their collective asses and plan for the next Twerk Onslaught. 5. Meanwhile, Boone had earned his retirement. 6. Wherever he was, Boone had a two story house with a white picket fence, a little pet piglet, a 401k, and, most importantly, a loving dinosaur man-wife by his side. 7. And not just a statue this time, but the real thing too, cloaca and all! 8. Although Boone would greatly miss his home realm of Shizzle, and the folks he had spent thousands of cycles of adventures alongside, he was happy to hang up his sniper rifle and beret at last, and settle in for a good night’s sleep.

Previous Installment Chronologically
The Boogalations of Greg

Previous Installment Thematically
The First Gospel of Boone