The Book of Greg

The Book of Greg is the prologue book of the Tasty Bible. It describes Greg's creation of the Seven Lands (or seven destitute slums) and introduces Gates the Grue for the first time in the Tasty Bible.

Content
The Tasty Bible: May We Nom Together in Heaven The Book of Greg

1 1.In teh beginning, there was a great universal entity that controlled the forces of oreos and ramen noodles. 2. He went by the name of Greg, or, in Sanskrit, “The Slenderman”. Greg was a short and plump young man, while the Slenderman was the spirit of a slender Indian man who took refuge within Greg’s body. 3. Greg then created seven lands that his people may live in. 4. One day, a group of Greg’s followers, named the Backsmashers, attempted to build a shrine in honor of Greg. 5. It would be known as the Slingbach Shrine. The Order of the Slender One would thenceforth be known as Shwasleesnee. 6. Every member was to eat babies on Terrible Tuesday, and wear garden gnome hats while their faces remained unshaved. 7. In the process of the shrine’s construction, they destroyed the home that Greg had built for himself. This greatly angered the slender one. 8. Greg declared jihad, or “Holy War” (which means jihad [which means Holy War {which means jihad}]) against the infidels, and slaughtered all of his followers in a fierce battle to reclaim his home. 9. Afterwards, Greg descended upon a new and prosperous land of milk and honey (and buffalo wings), in which he enslaved the local inhabitants so that they may serve him eternally as chefs and waiters. 10. The people, known as the Jammonites, willingly accepted, and Greg, in his pleasure, said, “And then stuff goes BOOM.”

2 1. A Jammonite prime minister named Whatch ya’Doin, who had been bless-ed by Greg, incarcerated Im Walkinhere for larceny. 2. Greg had said unto them, “Let all ye who believeth in me feast on oreos and ramen noodles. Let the ulcers rot within you as mine have.” 3. Im Walkinhere had committed heresy because he had tried to impose healthy eating habits upon his people (larceny). 4. Greg declared against Im Walkinhere that he shall suffer a horrible death at the hands of Manos, the Sacred Hands of the Slender One. 5. Im Walkinhere fled while Greg went out to eat ramen noodles with Jesus, and entered the land of One Foty-Fo Magnolia Screet. 6. When Greg found out, he became angered, and fell from his throne and was unable to get up for several days. 7. Greg was distressed that the people of Magnolia Screet, the Rackbars, had allowed Im Walkin here to have safe refuge in their land, and declared, “I made those seven eggs with mine own ass. Fear me and my giant rod, and by that I mean my trident.” 8. He went out and mourned for seven minutes as a result.

3 1. Greg decided to enact his revenge against the Rackbars. 2. He donned his battle ax and Viking Helmet, and ripped off all of his clothing. 3. As he entered Magnolia Screet, the mortal people began to scream in terror. 4. “Fear not my nudity for it is natural,” Greg said as his members hung pendulous and free. “Dost thou wish another blast from a god, mortal? I have taken my pants off to believe that they may please you.” 5. One of the Rackbars, named Gibby, attempted to reason with Greg, “Put thine cock away, good sir.” 6. Greg proceeded to chop Gibby in half vertically with his battle ax, as he said, “Be glad that I have not unleashed my god-load upon you”. 7. As this was transpiring, another Rackbar, Mason, helped Im Walkinhere escape the destruction of the city. 8. They walked for multiple days, until they reached the land of Zimbabwe. 9. In order to protect his identity, the Jammonite Im Walkinhere changed his name to Gates the Grue. 10. By the time that Greg discovered the location of Gates, he was too tired to give a damn. 11. Gates and Mason were able to live in peace among the Zimbabweans for many years.

4 1. During these boring years of peace, Greg sought entertainment among his jesters in his holy court. 2. Among these jesters was Brody, also known as Brawly, whose presence did not sit well with Greg. 3. One day, while Brody was attempting to appease Greg’s ravenous taste for humor, Greg became fed up with the bastard and decided to do what had to be done. 4. Greg grabbed Brody by the earlobes and slung him against a far wall, where he sat and shat. 5. Greg then lumbered over to Brody and whipped out a wet noodle with which he proceeded to lash Brody. 6. Brody jerked himself away and attempted to defend himself, only to be round-house kicked to the face by Greg’s great foot. 7. Brody screamed in pain as the footprint on his face began to burn with the force of over nine thousand suns. 8. Greg then laughed in satisfaction, and stated, “Hide your kids, wives, and husbands, ‘cause I’m raping everybody up in here.” 9. And Greg punched Brody. 10. And Brody wept. 11. Greg’s amusement from this duel began to grow more and more, and he said, “Your death shall not be well mourned!” 12. He grabbed Brody and proceeded to break his back across his leg. 13. As Brody’s crumpled form lay decimated upon the earth, Greg nodded his head with satisfaction, for he knew that this was good. 14. “Praise the All Father” he declared. 15. Greg then fed Brody’s remains to the Grue that lurked within Greg’s palace.

5 1. One fine evening, on The 1sland, the traveling merchant named Vishnu Chander decided to pay Greg a visit (in cheese). 2. Greg answered the door to his abode. 3. Vishnu walked in with a grin wider than Kat’s ass. 4. “I’d like to sell ya that saber-toothed salamander beaver cricket named Guy Fawkes,” Vishnu declared. 5. Within Greg’s mind, he knew that Guy Fawkes that blew up King James the First and all of his Shi’ite power. 6. Greg proclaimed, “Out with your intestines!” 7. From the land of Troy, a kamikaze coconut flew into the side of Vishnu’s head, causing a nuclear chain reaction that destroyed the paint job of Greg’s ’89 Buick. 8. Far away, in the land of Zimbabwe, Gates detected a disturbance in the Force. 9. A Zimbabwean, Matthias Reznov, asked Gates, “What have you done?” 10. Gates whipped out his 9,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,0(this has a great rhythm)00 terawatt Lazer Tazer and ate it, causing him to “swallow his lazer”. 11. This led Gates to proceed to fire a Royal Rainbow which stretched all the way to The 1sland. 12. Greg skipped across the ozone layer, with the harvest hog in tow, to the source of this rainbow, Gates’s mouth. 13. Using His immense power, he created the “Gets There Before He Goes” method, for all morbidly obese peoples “Get There Before They Go”. 14. Faster than the speed of llama, the words EXPELLED from Greg’s gnarled maw, “SATCHMO HAS RISEN! “ 15. Gates ate his words, for Grues can eat anything (except when the Mighty Tater holds his spork). 16. Gates’s face then turned to melted juice, which a nearby emaciated dog soon lapped up. 17. Gates high-tailed it outta dur and escaped into oblivion…(where he lived within the “cow’s udder”).

6 1. Upon Gates's journey to the Cow's Udder, he met Boone, the great walrus sniper. They shook hands, and became joined in unholy matribaloney, for Greg would not allow this. 2. Boone was a great man, who had to save his partner, Dinky the Dinosaur , by shooting it in the head from a great distance so it would not become the walrus's bucket. Boone forever vowed to become Gates's honorary sniper. Upon their discovery of each other, Boone exclaimed " I can shoot the fur off a gnat! " 3. Gates recruited this man for his personal militia, knowing of his sniping prowess and their mutual feeling of wanting to bring back what was lost. He was also the only man who knew how to get in to the Cow's Udder. Gates was told that he would have to bend over, look through his knees , and make a flying raspberry , for this was the only way of entry into the Cow's Udder. They did so and were defecated into the C.U. with haste. 4. The C.U., also known as FoShizzle , was the alternate universe of the realm Shizzle. Foshizzle is where the fodiety Papa Bear resides with his holy fact checker, Max. 5. Gates and Boone trekked to the temple where Papa Bear rests his lardness by using the "Gets There Before He Goes Method" and asked the holy fact checker Max if they could have a sit-down in the Holy Court of Usher with Papa Bear. 6. After a good long fourthnight of papers and illegal danishes, the duo had a seating with Papa Bear. 7. " I CAN HELP THINE WITH ONE FAVOR AND ONE FAVOR ONLY! " the Great Salad Dressing (Papa Bear) proclaimed. " ANY MORE OR ANY LESS AND YOU WILL HAVE TO BE FRANKINATED BY MY FODIETY, THE FRANKINATOR. " " I wish to have a face! " Gates exclaimed, incoherently. " BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME AND THE GREAT THULU, I BESTOW YOU THE MASK OF GUY FAWKES! " 8. Backs wet and camels dry, the duo leaped into the air to grab the mask that materialized for Gates. With the speed of 10 mongeese, he whipped on that thing and was now complete. He knew what had to be done. 9. While leaving the palace, Papa Bear cupped his mouth with his 9 proverbial hands and declared that Gates should beware, for a curse was interlaiden within the mask, the curse of /b/.

Second Installment
The Book of Good Times

2.5 Edition Installment
The First Gospel of Boone

Previous Installment
A Song of Destruction