The First Gospel of Boone

The First Gospel of Boone is the first book chronologically in the Fresh Testament of the The Tasty Bible, but the second written. It is an account of the early life of the walrus sniper Boone, a famous companion of both Greg and Gates the Grue. The narrative of this book begins approximately between the first and second chapters of The Book of Greg, and ends during chapter five of The Book of Good Times. The events covered by this book are understood to occur within the timeline of the Stale Testament, but because of its thematic relationship to The Last Gospel of Boone, this book has been included as part of the Fresh Testament.

Content
The First Gospel of Boone

1 1. Now it came to pass in the days following Greg's great jihad against the Backsmasher infidels, that he took upon him the yoke of a nation known as the Jammonites. 2. And the Jammonites were a prosperous people inhabiting the land of Troy, whose milk and honey (and buffalo wings) were renowned throughout the world of Shizzle. 3. And Greg did enslave the Jammonites, turning their country into the personal backyard for his 1sland den of sin. 4. The Jammonites toiled endlessly to sate Greg's thirst for chicken and hunger for barbecue sauce, and in return generously received wet cardboard boxes from which to fashion their homes. 5. By and large (especially large), the Jammonites enjoyed their lot in life and hoped to maintain favor with Maxus Gregor among the Seven Lands, freshly-hatched from the Great Ass. 6. They built a coliseum to host the first Folympics, during which ten of the finest specimens from the Jammonite race engaged in the dirtiest, greasiest mud-wrasslin' yet known to mankind. 7. And after all that hootin'-and-hollerin' down in the slock pits, there emerged a victor, a strapping young lad of sharp jaw and eyesight. 8. The Jammonites declared him Beef Burgundy, a traditional title reserved for those finest of warriors whose prowess represented the strength of all Jammonia. 9. Seated at his private luxury box in the coliseum, Greg shifted his mass just enough so that his voice could pitch throughout the assembly, saying, "Henceforth shall this man be an inquisitor in my unholy court, and a prime minister of your people. He will taketh up the name Whatch ya’Doin, because that is what he shall ask each and every day as part of the Spanish Inquisition. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! Bless-ed be his name." 10. And the Jammonites lifted up their voices to Greg in exultation.

2 1. Whatch ya’Doin made a name for himself as a fair but firm enforcer of Greg's will. 2. With great abandon he pursued the larcenists, those who would steal away the culture of tastiness and impose healthy eating habits in its stead. 3. Those he found guilty would be subject to ultimate punishment at the hands of Manos, the Sacred Hands of the Slender One. 4. Such as it was that one day a man-thing nameth of Im Walkinhere (being the only response he would provide to Whatch ya'Doin upon being asked, "Whatch ya doin'?") was found guilty of larceny after an extensive investigation consisting of a ninety-second staring contest. 5. However, Im Walkinhere escaped incarceration from the Clarke County Jail like a slick little beaver, during a noodle bruncheon Greg hosted with Jesus, and fled to the contiguous territory of One Foty-Fo Magnolia Screet. 6. Upon discovering that the native Rackbars provided refuge to the larcenist renegade, Greg destroyed the capital of the country, Wendy's, with a pillar of salt, and wrought havoc across the land for many days. 7. But Im Walkinhere was nowhere to be found, and Greg tasked his inquisitors with scouring the known world and compiling information to determine the man's location. 8. Whatch ya'Doin, being a privileged Tasty nobleman, led the charge with the finest resources available in all Shizzle: a cheese grater, beret, and sniper rifle. 9. He first considered the possibility that Im Walkinhere had escaped to America, knowing that they were a nation of backsliding larcenists, who executed those convicted of Hamicide (eating ham every other day of the week). 10. Eventually, Whatch ya'Doin decided that his quarry was too broke to buy passage across the Feral Sea, and had stayed within the continent. 11. Tracing the last known whereabouts of the escapee, the inquisitor went into the remains of One Foty-Fo Magnolia Screet. 12. He came upon the Rackbar leader Willie James Huff, and plied the man with vodka and hotdogs. 13. After being questioned about a foreigner crossing into Magnolia Screet from the prison exclave of Clarke County, Willie stated that fifteen men had messed with his brother George up there in the Clarke County Jail, and it "Waddn't no fun." 14. Willie then yelled "RACKBALL!" and slithered off into his abode in the bushes. 15. Unsatisfied, Whatch ya'Doin continued on from the head of the River Styx, at the eastern coast of Magnolia Screet.

3 1. At the Grand Funk Railroad Junction, where the borders of Magnolia Screet, Zimbabwe, and Da Wildaness of 'Nam meet in the River Styx, Whatch ya'Doin met his fellow nobleman Matthias Reznov to further chart the world of Shizzle in hasty, hoping to catch a whiff of Im Walkinhere's larcenist stench. 2. There had been rumors of other nobles going missing in 'Nam during the search for Im Walkinhere, and the two prime ministers figured they stood the best chance of remaining alive and unsullied amidst the dangers of the frontier land by staying together. 3. They proceeded along the river deep into 'Nam, through the interior of the heart of darkness. 4. Many months did those boys spend as great white hunters in the jungle, carousing with the cassowaries and getting to know some of the locals, who were actually pretty nice folks. 5. They helped Matthias draw a crude map of 'Nam, directing the two Jammonites along the main branch of the Styx. 6. Having finally traversed the expanse of the country, Whatch ya'Doin and Matthias came to the river delta at what they dubbed Dyer Bay, in honor of their noodly lord and savior. 7. They were surprised to find an extensive hippy settlement already there, with all sorts of beads and doo-dads strung up everywhere. 8. Even more surprising was the fact that many of the dippy hippies were the missing noblemen from Greg's court. 9. These bearded yokels took Whatch ya'Doin and Matthias to their ostensible leader, whom they worshiped as a demigod, known simply as the Zimbabwean. 10. The Zimbabwean was not in fact from Zimbabwe, but had adopted that land as his home for a time because of the locals' famously peaceful ways. 11. He did indulge, though, that he knew the whereabouts of Im Walkinhere in Zimbabwe, seeking to protect the Jammonite as a refugee from Greg's inquisitors, and refusing any further information to Matthias and Whatch ya'Doin despite their insistence to know the truth. 12. Over several moons, the Zimbabwean instead taught the inquisitors to renounce their violent professions and embrace the philosophy of Chill, in which all forms of pain were evil and hedonism was the purpose of existence, man. 13. Their indoctrination culminated in a big ol' orgy held at the foot of a tremendous obelisk known as the Marker. 14. In the throes of passion, Whatch ya'Doin nutted so hard that he had an outer body experience. 15. Across the Fo-verse his consciousness first saw a strange, faceless slender man wearing a business suit with what appeared to be tentacles stretching out from behind his back. 16. The disturbing apparition eventually gave way to psychedelic imagery ala Windows 95 screensavers and monstrous cries from the depths of Ze Void. 17. At last, the vague colors and sounds coalesced into a clear picture, and Whatch ya'Doin was back into the world. 18. But he found that it was not the world as he knew it, despite being pretty darn close. 19. There were colors out of space, and smells that didn't quite look right. 20. Worried and desperate for answers, Whatch ya'Doin found a crusty old sage and said, "Hey big man, lemme hold a dollar." 21. The sage, carrying a huge kaiser blade (some folks call it a sling blade, he called it a kaiser blade), replied, "Wanna gimme one a dem mustard biscuits." 22. The former inquisitor, now thoroughly lost, despaired.

4 1. His sorrow did not last long. 2. Soon, an awesome bear of a man with nine proverbial hands appeared, sitting atop a chariot pulled by dozens of weenie dogs. 3. He was accompanied by an assistant garbed in a red shirt and glasses. 4. The man at the helm of the chariot cupped his hands and made an ululating call, introducing himself as the Papa Bear and his associate as Max the holy fact checker. 4. Whatch ya'Doin asked where in the world he was, to which Max responded the proper question would have been what world was he in, explaining that this was the realm of FoShizzle, and that Whatch ya'Doin was the first known mortal to have ever traversed from Shizzle to FoShizzle. 5. Papa Bear and Max had been alerted to local teleportonic activity, and eventually found Whatch ya'Doin. 6. Overjoyed, Papa Bear stated that Whatch ya'Doin would now be known as Boone, for his arrival was a boon in proving the two realms could be bridged (information which would later be invaluable to the Frankinator's efforts to invade Shizzle). 7. Max nodded happily and said, "This all checks out canonically." 8. None of this helped the fragile mental state of the newly-christened Boone, who began to feel himself losing sanity by the minute. 9. After Papa Bear's chariot left, his deep, hoarse laughter echoing into the night, Boone sought refuge in a run-down motel with a giant dinosaur statue out front. 10. An old woman appeared from a door to a grocery store at the base of the statue, and introduced the dinosaur as Dinky. 11. She asked Boone if he would like to board in one of the empty rooms of the motel, but seeing that the conditions were even more squalid than his cardboard castle back home in Troy, Boone decided he would prefer to stay inside Dinky. 12. And as Boone's mind continued to deteriorate over the following weeks, his love for the dinosaur continued to grow. 13. The two became almost inseparable, being as Boone remained unemployed and the statue was immobile. 14. But the old woman who tended to the grocery store and motel so enjoyed seeing Boone run naked up and down the stairs inside Dinky, furiously masturbating and covering the sheetrock walls of Dinky's throat in ejaculate, that she allowed Boone to remain in the statue for free. 15. For a long while, far from his world and with his mission to find Im Walkinhere abandoned, life for Boone was good.

5 1. Just as the boring years of peace were coming to a close in Shizzle, however, so too did Boone's ecstasy in FoShizzle quickly return to sobering reality. 2. On one of the few occasions that Boone left Dinky to play paintball in a nearby town with a gargantuan park along the boulevard, he returned to his beloved partner to find that a herd of filthy walruses had overtaken it and turned the statue into a hive of scum and villainy, even decimating the old woman below. 3. Boone wept and gnashed his teeth and tried for days to route out the walruses, but to no avail. 4. Despite his best efforts, the walruses would always return in force, saying, "HORK HORK HORK." 5. Finally, in the depths of grief, Boone knew he was faced with a difficult decision for the sake of Dinky. 6. Boone set up an encampment a distance away from Dinky, watching through his sniper scope as the walruses swarmed beneath the statue and had their way with it. 7. Being aware of every nook, cranny, hole, and orifice in Dinky, Boone could be sure of the points where the statue's structural integrity was at its weakest. 8. At the moment the walruses were at peak swarm, Boone shot Dinky in the head, causing the statue to shake apart and collapse in on all the walruses. 9. With one last final "HORK!" the herd fell silent. 10. Boone allowed a single tear to roll down his check, comforted by the fact he had prevented Dinky from becoming the walruses' bucket. 11. In his sadness, Boone decided that his time spent in FoShizzle had come to an end. 12. Beseeching Papa Bear, he asked for the secret to enter the constellation of the Cow's Udder, within which FoShizzle resided. 13. The Papa Bear taught that bending over, looking through his knees, and making a flying raspberry should do the trick, but it would not return him to Shizzle. 14. Boone decided he would spend the rest of his days as a gatekeeper at the entrance of the C.U.'s border with FoShizzle, jerking off in memory of Dinky and leading any stray travelers through the perils of the realm. 15. And there it was in observance of his post that Boone eventually encountered Gates the Grue, who Boone, in his madness, did not recognize as the Jammonite Im Walkinhere that he had once persecuted for larceny. 16. It also helped that Gates’s face was severely burned off as a result of battling Greg. 17. For his part, Gates saw that the former-Whatch ya'Doin, now Boone, was a changed man after having experienced the love and loss of Dinky, and accepted him in unholy matribaloney. 18. Following the instructions of Boone's ritual, together they were defecated into the C.U. with haste.

6 1. During this time in Shizzle, Matthias, having never learned what happened to Whatch ya'Doin after the orgy porgy, slowly made his way back to the 1sland and resumed his position in Greg's unholy court. 2. Although he had been swayed by the Zimbabwean's love for a certain equine-related television show to renounce violence, he could not entirely forsake his master, whom he had known since the Destruction of Everthing, and even believed that Greg could be converted by the Zimbabwean as he had. 3. Matthias had briefly encountered Im Walkinhere, now going by the name Gates, in Zimbabwe during his return trip, and had sent a carrier penguin to the 1sland bearing the news, but he never received a confirmation from Greg that the message had ever been read. 4. So, in a journey taking months more, he had returned to Greg's palace to bring news of what had become of the wayward noblemen. 5. Matthias entered the Grand Hall of Consumption right when the Mighty Tater was berating a jester for failing to amuse him. 6. Despite having been AWOL himself for some time, Matthias approached the Slender One without preamble, and informed him that another prime minister, Whatch ya'Doin, was officially missing. 7. This news disturbed Greg, for Whatch ya'Doin was only the latest of several nobles who had vanished while out in Da Wildaness, not that Greg bothered to keep count. 8. Matthias revealed unto Greg that a simple mortal, a Zimbabwean, had amassed a great deal of power in 'Nam through arcane means, and that people were flocking to this man to worship him as a god. 9. Even worse, this man endorsed perverse sexual acts and had an unhealthy interest in a certain equine-related show. 10. Greg gasped in shock, then raised a fist in anger and began an extended rant before rising from his throne, only to find that a sharp pain was piercing his chest. 11. "Oh, my heart's shuttin' down!" he wailed. 12. Greg promptly fell upon the floor, face-down, with a great crash. 13. "Gravity's really startin' to suck right now," the AllFather mumbled. "We're gonna kill that rat bastard Isaac Newton before we do anything about our Zimbabwean friend!" 14. After some hours when Greg arose once more, he and three other men, Matthias and two guards named Gunter and Conway, saddled up on their horses of the apocalypse and rode off into the sunset in pursuit of their quarry. 15. Matthias held out hope that they would one day find Whatch ya'Doin.

Next Installment Chronologically
The Book of Good Times

Next Installment Thematically
The Last Gospel of Boone